Gamers are stereotyped as out-of-shape losers who play video games all night while consuming nothing but Pizza Rolls and energy drinks. As we all know, that stereotype is 100% true. We here at the Gaming Dead Institute decided to perform a little experiment to discover exactly which energy drinks are most effective at fending off that unnecessary phenomenon called “sleep” and improving gaming skills.
This experiment was conducted in the most scientifically stringent way possible; I drank energy drinks then played Halo 3 online.
The drinks included in the experiment were Mountain Dew World of Warcraft Gamer Fuel, BAWLS, Mana Potion, and some of the video-game-themed drinks from Boston America. I’ll go through each one in that order, commenting on the different flavors and types of drinks as needed, and generally being extremely entertaining.
Mountain Dew WoW Game Fuel
The Horde Citrus Cherry flavor was the first drink I tried in the experiment and I felt just a bit silly when I realized it wasn’t really even an energy drink. If “Game Fuel” doesn’t mean it’s an energy drink, what does it mean? Will it single-handedly power my Atari Jaguar? PepsiCo, you’re an asshole.
If you didn’t know, the Game Fuel drinks are licensed Mountain Dew in different flavors:
Horde Citrus Cherry: The drink itself is a bright reddish-orange, the color of orc piss. It has a mellow cherry flavor, and tastes similar to Mountain Dew Code Red. Doesn’t feel very carbonated. It’s not bad, but I prefer Code Red more.
Alliance Wild Fruit: Surprise, surprise, it tastes like a Mountain Dew Varient. I’m usually not a fan of blue drinks (on principle) but this one is pretty good. It doesn’t actually taste that much different from the other Game Fuel, though.
As I stated earlier, neither of the drinks are energy drinks, so I didn’t get much of an effect from them other than the usual sugar boner I get from other extremely unhealthy sodas.
Yeah, that’s right, I drank me some BAWLS.
Regular (On the far left): It has a difficult-to-describe mellow fruity taste, like an effete hippie. It’s powerfully carbonated. I’m not a huge fan of the taste, to be honest, but it gave me a decent performance boost. I started feeling more energized before I even finished the can, and I played well enough to be called a “cocksucker” several times. Always a good sign. The effects lasted for about an hour, as far as I could tell.
G33K B33R (Second to last): The name of this drink is in l33t! It tastes almost exactly like root beer, and it doesn’t have that biting energy drink taste to it. I didn’t feel much of a boost from it, but I did play well for an hour or so after drinking it. One might even say I “Pwned” some “n00bs.”
EXXTRA Sugar Free (Second from the left): The can says it contains no sugar and an additional 50% caffeine. It tastes appropriately enough like a diet version of regular BAWLS. I hate diet sodas so I really wasn’t feeling it, and I had to force myself to finish the whole can. I played a pretty pathetic sessions of Halo, but that may have been due to my preoccupation with hating diet sodas.
Seriously, fuck them.
Cherry (Furthest right): This one has a sweet cherry taste with a bit of that fizzy regular BAWLS flavor thrown in. It’s simple and good, and I got a good buzz from it. Unfortunately, I wasn’t really into the game because my dog died. I blame Cherry Bawls for that.
Also, that bus.
Mana Energy Potions
I was a little disappointed when I the Mana Potion drinks I received came in teeny, little plastic vials. I thought they were sample versions, but I was wrong.
So very wrong.
Mana: Looks like a fantasy potion and has a surprisingly strong berry flavor and a thicker consistency than normal energy drinks. Feels, looks, and tastes like how I imagine an actual potion would. Magically delicious.
Since I erroneously assumed they were samples, I drank two and a half of the vials before playing.
That was so not a good idea. I was good and alert for the hour I played Halo 3 but started feeling pretty fucking messed up after that. I got a bad stomach ache and started shaking, then crawled into the bathroom and spasmed on the floor for a good hour.
DO NOT DRINK MORE THAN ONE OF THESE AT A TIME.
Health: This tastes similar to the Mana Potion but has a different, unrecognizable berry flavor. It says it contains Elderberry juice concentrate (whatever the hell that is) on the supplement facts. I was careful to only drink one this time, but I got a rush before I was even half-way done with the teeny vial. Them elderberries gave me a good, steady boost that lasted for one-and-a-half, maybe two hours.
I played good. Really good. Waves and waves of enemy Spartans fell limp and bloodied at my feet. Every shot hit its mark. Every syllable of trash talk which blasted forth from my mic laid waste to the hopes and dreams of my victims. I can’t be positive, but I think my tea-bagging skills might have improved too.
Boston America Corp. sent me six drinks, each with a different theme. The drinks were Ghostbusters: Ectoplasm, Gears of War: Imulsion, Street Fighter: Sonic Boom!, Pac-Man: Power Up, Donkey Kong: Jungle Juice, and Resident Evil: T-Virus Antidote.
I’m not going to be covering each drink separately, however, because they are all the same. It’s simply the same drink in different cans. You tricked me Boston America! Now, I’m not 100% sure; the Pac-Man: Power Up drink might have tasted a bit differently, but if it really is a different drink, it isn’t different enough to make a difference.
All the drinks have a very strong sweet and sour taste with a carbonated energy drink kick, and made me feel as if I was drinking liquified Smartees brand candy while a Cambodian prostitute punched me in the testicles. “Radioactive donkey urine,” is another phrase that springs to mind. Honeslty, I couldn’t drink more than a few sips at a time. I felt a mild boost from the drinks however, and played alright.
Perhaps if I had played the game each drink represented I would have had more positive results. Haha, just kidding. I doubt anything would make those drinks easier to stomach.
After the experiment concluded, there was one clear victor. The Energy Potions! Why? Because drinking them was just like drinking an actual potion, in that they gave me magical powers and I defeated a dark wizard and boned a princess after consuming them. Plus, they definitely gave me the biggest performance boost. Just make sure you use them responsibly!
Runner up: BAWLS G33K B33R! It’s an energy drink that tastes like root beer and is called G33K B33R. What’s not to like?Tags: BAWLS, Boston America Corp., energy drink, Energy Potion, experiment, Mountain Dew