Adam Bruno

Meredith’s post about Jack Thompson suing Facebook got me thinking. How much does the average gamer really know about Jack Thompson? I mean, most of us have heard his name before, but how many of us know the sordid details of this disgusting excuse for a human being? I’m not even going to pretend to be objective, here. The man’s a douchebag. Here’s why.

1. In 1988, Thompson ran for prosecutor against then incumbent Dade County State Attorney Janet Reno (remember her?). At a campaign event, Thompson presented Reno with a letter requesting that she check a box to indicate whether she was homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual. Reno then put her hand on his shoulder and responded, “I’m only interested in virile men. That’s why I’m not attracted to you.” He then filed a polite report accusing her of battery for touching him. Thompson continually accused Reno of being a lesbian when she was nominated as U.S. Attorney General, which led to lieutenant governor Buddy MacKay to publicly dismiss him as a “kook.”

2. In sending documents to opponents in his crusade against 2 Live Crew for “violating Florida’s obscenity laws,” Thompson would frequently attach a photocopy of his driver’s license, with a photo of Batman pasted over his own. No, I’m not kidding. Thompson actually explained why. “I have sent my opponents pictures of Batman to remind them I’m playing the role of Batman,” he said. “Just like Bruce Wayne helped the police in the movie, I have had to assist the sheriff of Broward County.” He also wore a Batman wristwatch. Thompson compared 2 Live Crew’s Luther Campbell to the Joker. Funny, because Campbell’s company had previously released a record supporting Reno in her race against Thompson for prosecutor.

3. Jack Thompson broils and eats Muslim babies. Why did I say this? Well, because if he reads this, he’s going to fucking flip his lid. And let’s face it, getting sued by Jack Thompson would be pretty damn exciting.

4. Onto the video games! Thompson claims that the Playstation  2’s DualShock controller “gives you a pleasurable buzz back into your hands with each kill. This is operant conditioning, behavior modification right out of B. F. Skinner’s laboratory.” Really? Fucking really? As a therapist myself, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to call bullshit there, Jack-Sauce.

5. Thompson calls video games “mental masturbation.” Okay, that part is true. That explains why I need to clean up every time I play Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I’m looking at you, Samus, you little cocktease.

6. Jackson calls the proliferation of video games by Sony, a Japanese company, “Pearl Harbor 2.” Because Sony’s next step is dropping Playstation 3’s on our houses. Only slightly cheaper than, y’know, actual bombs.

7. In July 2005, Thompson sent letters to several politicians calling for an investigation of The Sims 2, alleging that users could access nudity by inputting special codes. Thompson said this nudity was  inappropriate for a “T”-rated game. Thompson went so far as to claim that users would be able to see actual genitalia. Vice President Jeff Brown of EA handily dismissed the allegations, claiming that beneath the blur, the Sims are no more anatomically correct than a Barbie doll, and that the blurs were there to be humorous.

8. In October 2006, Thompson sent a letter to Midway Games, demanding that they immediately cease and desist sales of Mortal Kombat: Armageddon. He claimed that the game was illegally profiting on his likeness, because gamers could use the Kreate a Fighter option to make a character who looked like Jack Thompson. Needless to say, Midway ignored him.

9. In his open letter A Modest Proposal to the video game industry, Thompson said he would donate $10,000 to a charity designated by Take-Two CEO Paul Eibeler if any video game company would create a game with his own specific scenario. The scenario he set forth depicted a main character whose son was killed by a boy who played violent video games. This character would then murder a number of industry executives (including one modeled on Eibeler) and go on a killing spree at the Electronic Entertainment Expo. Video game fans, being the literal assholes we are, promptly took him up on his offer, and among the games created were I’m O.K – A Murder Simulator. Thompson then claimed that his entire proposal was satire, and to date he still hasn’t paid up. Penny Arcade’s Jerry Holkins and Mike Krahulik did, however, writing in the memo field “For Jack Thompson, Because Jack Thompson Won’t.” Thompson promptly began a harassment campaign against Holkins and Krahulik and even tried to get the Seattle police to arrest them for “criminal harassment.”

10. Jack Thompson remains the sole recipient of my “Legendary  Douchebag” award. This is a special award reserved to those who are given ample opportunity to turn back before the point of no return, and through their own hubris, hurl themselves over the precipice into damnation. And that is how Jack Thompson was permanently disbarred from practicing law in Florida. Throughout the entire trial, he attempted to brow-beat his opponents and even the judge herself (for the record, not a smart move), until Circuit Judge Dava Tunis found him guilty of 27 of the 31 violations and actually disregarded the recommendation of temporarily disbarring him (for ten years) in favor of a permanent disbarment. Serves him right for trying to have her thrown off the case. The permanent disbarment went through, and any attempt to stay the ruling was denied.

(Sources: Penny Arcade, JackThompson.org, Wikipedia)