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Asteroids: The Movie. Wow.

Posted under News by Kenneth Ellis on Sunday, July 26th, 2009 -

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Run! Run as fast as you can to your steel bunkers, grab as much ovaltine as you can hold, and cash in those US war bonds! The horrors of space are launching the terrible Asteroids at us. May our one and only triangular hope save us from the coming destruction!

Apparently there’s going to be an Asteroids movie. Yes, a film based on the old arcade game “Asteroids”. I’ve said this before about many films in the last few years, but I’m going to make this the absolute definitive time I declare that:

“Hollywood is OFFICIALLY out of ideas.” – Ken Ellis

At least Universal is making it, because that at least makes some kind of sense. Still though, this can’t end well. Anyone remember Wing Commander? Gah. And that game had a real story and a universe to its credit, and they still messed it up. What are they going to do with a movie with barely a storyline at all? Well here is a quote from the producer Lornezo di Bonaventura:

It’s funny because people say there’s nothing in the game, but that’s not entirely right,” Bonaventura said. “I was attracted to Asteroids, plain and simple, because I think what it tells you is that there’s going to be this big thing in space. We’ve crafted a really strong, deep mythology for the thing. Without divulging too much about it, it’s two lead characters — two brothers — who have to go through a seminal experience to figure out their relationship, against this huge backdrop.”

Behold, the words of a movie master. “Big thing in space.” And it includes brothers! He’s treading some unknown territory here, folks. I could cover myself in scotch tape and honey,  walk into the nearest video store, run with wild abandon around said store, and probably have at least 6 movies with that exact story stuck to me. I could fall into my closet and probably find a better plot. I’m not saying this movie’s going to be bad, I’m writing it. This movie will suck. Hollywood has found that the 80′s cartoon and comic books trend is making mad money as of late, so they are now exploiting 80′s videogame nostalgia as well. Ok, whatever, but at least pick some movies with an already set story. Metroid would be good! That’s got the “troid” in it. Star Fox has a spaceship theme, and there’s defiantly an asteroid level in that one! If Hollywood insists on making these old school video game movies, then I’m going to be kind and give them a decent plot. At least then I might want to actually watch the movies.

P.O.N.G.:

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P.O.N.G. is a tale set at the beginning of time in which Chaos and Order must do battle over the definition of life in universe and fight using the spark of creation. Sub-plot involving God and Fenrir the Wolf discussing relationship issues. Cameo by Chronos.

Pac-Man:

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The story of a man trapped in an inescapable web of lies and deceit forced to eat away at his thoughts and dreams in an effort to survive long enough between hits of  “power pellets” (heroine) in order to keep the ghosts of his past at bay. He’s also in a divorce case with his domineering wife. Set against the backdrop of the Kennedy assassination.

Joust:

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Mike just cant seem to get it together. It’s one job after another and he’s on his last dime trying to make rent. Sally is a up and coming fleet engineer who can’t seem to make the time to find Mr. Right. When fate steps in and makes these two star-crossed lovers roommates, who knows what will happen?! Set against the backdrop of the Great Ostrich wars of the 31st century.  This movie will be tugging at your heart strings.

I hope this helps you, Hollywood!

Now, if you will all excuse me I have to go buy advanced tickiting for “Asteroids”, cuz now that I think about it, it couldnt be as bad as Max Payne.

(Source: Kris Pigna via 1up.com)

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4 comments… read them below or add one

  1. Adam Bruno says:

    Well, that’s it. Here comes Armageddon.

  2. Adam Bruno says:

    Also, you have never been more attractive to me than you are right now.

  3. Mediummedina says:

    Please don’t end up like the Doom movie. Video Game movies need to start representing.

  4. Chris Benson says:

    Yeah, I doubt it could be any worse than the Doom movie.

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